(Jersey) Girl Lament

Dear girls sitting at the table next to me at Starbucks: 

Yes, your boy(thing) is cheating on you. The girl you think he talks to about you is probably the culprit, and no she's probably doesn't know that you're going to "cut her" the next time you see her. Your friends that you think have successful relationships are, in fact, probably happier that you are, because they probably aren't spending 3 hours discussing the monotonous details of your interaction with some guy(s) who is/are probably with that girl you hate at this very moment. The repetitious conversation that you are having has covered almost every cliche comment related to boy gossip that makes even the most calm green-tea drinker's blood boil in frustration. 

I made a list for your records:

"Everyone likes what they can't have."

"It's the way it is."

"He just likes the chase."

roll eyes

"It's not you."

roll eyes

"He would just text me like randomly. On weekends."

unexpected?

"So that's life, what are you gonna do."

stop texting?

"We're nice girls, they know they can't do that to us."

oh, totally.

"He's just having his fun now, but when he meets that girl, which, like, could be me, he'll be different."

uh.

"This is what he wants to look at, that is what he wants to hear."

they are nice implants, actually.

"He says when he commits it's different, like he can only be with her so, like, that's why he won't commit."

sound logical reasoning.

"You can play the game for a little while, then everyone wants to settle down, be comfortable."

"Maybe we'll be friends in the future."

"Try it out."

read: have sex with him.

"I know he likes me, but I know he has other things, like whatever."

yep.

"I'm just going to tell him, I can't be your go-to girl. You need to leave you girlfriend....or I don't want to be involved."

you uh, tell him sister.

"I've had my fun, like .. but then again..."

"The more you look for it, the more you force it...I mean I never force anybody but..."

"I hate when they fuck around."

didn't you cheat on that other guy?

"So annoying. I hate that shit."

see above.

"I would never cheat again. When I first broke with him, like, like,likelikelikelikelikeGAAH"

STOP IT.

"Just to see what happens."

read: have sex with him.

"But like, you live and you learn."

translates to: you have sex with them and then...

"He crushed her ribs..but like he's a really nice guy, I've known him for..."

we call him bone crusher as a nickname. such a sweetheart

"They made out and like, he's a bad kisser but he pays, so like..."

dinner before dignity!

"But she made it clear that she wasn't interested, and like..."

translates to: but she'll still have sex with hm

"And then he texted me and said, 'LOL No', like what the hell, like..."

read: but then I had sex with him

"He deleted me."

boo.

"I'm glad I got to vent. You're the best."

IT'S OVER. BASKING IN THE QUIET. BASKING.

I would transcribe more, but my fingers actually have a quota for the amount of likes that can be typed in a single sentence. 

Thoughts:
-Oh dear god, you're going to eventually reproduce.

-You're 26 and having the exact. same. conversation that 16-year-old girls have about "relationships". 

-Your conversation mentioned facebook, texting, and drunken interactions about 30 times. 

-We have all had that conversation. Loudly. Probably in a Starbucks.(or cafe of choice) Fuck.

Notes to self:
Do not air dirty laundry in Starbucks. People can actually hear you.

Learn to use code names.
Kill whatever remnants of Jersey accent possible. 

As much as I want to ridicule these vapid, overly-bronzed waitresses with skinny vanilla lattes, I am stopped by the realization that they are currently having the most universal girl discussion in existence. The attempted deciphering of the male ego, and the ultimate failure. The resolve to not deal with the "bullshit," but the unspoken acknowledge they'll be answering so-and-so's texts come Thursday. 

The pathetic sort of comfort that comes from the mutually understood lie that the anxiety has an eventual "purpose". 

Resolution: NEVER HAVING THIS CONVERSATION AGAIN. If someone hears me utter any of the like-drenched words of "wisdom" above, feel free to beat me with a blunt object. 

Actually, I think if every, single girl aged 12-45 hears it from a few JersAY gravelly-voiced waitresses, the conversation(s) will cease. And across this fair nation, coffee shops goers will be saved from the stories "I just NEED to tell you, ohmygod..." 

Or we will simply continue having the same shared practices, perpetuated by a lack of good judgement and some expensive coffee.